How to decypher a Left 4 Dead player from an intelligent person

When dealing with people on the internet, it is smart to take everything you read or hear with a grain of salt. This is particularly true when it comes to those that play video games competitively online. This is even more particularly true when dealing with those that play First Person Shooters online. This is even more more particularly true when dealing with those that play a specific game called Left 4 Dead.

What is Left 4 Dead?

Great question, andy. Left 4 Dead is a competitive game played on a computer (or Xbox 360, but we will not delve into that side of community) which pits two teams of four players against each other. The objective of this e-sport as the survivor team is to travel through the map to the safehouse (the end of the map). The other team plays as zombies, whose objective is to stop the survivors from getting to the end of the map. This requires split second decisions such as choosing when to hold CTRL and when to right click.

Sound like too much to handle? You haven't seen jack-fucking-shit yet, motherfuck. As survivors, this game gets really tricky when dealing with cut-throat decisions of when to right click in certain situations. If an enemy zombie is raining down from above in an attempt to pounce your character, you only have about two seconds to see this and press the right mouse button. Furthermore, right clicking is also required when getting attacked by AI controlled zombies and when your fellow teammates are being attacked. It's no wonder these players take themselves seriously, going so far as to have official right click battles against one another (also known as scrims/matches).

I know what you're all thinking: "Well, yeah, we know all L4D requires is the "W" key and the right click button, let's get to the players already!"







Alright.






Fine.




This is a broad question, andy. Left 4 Dead players come in all varieties. Oh wait, no they don't.

Left 4 Dead players (well, all thirty of them remaining) have mastered the craft of right clicking in all types of situations. Since the game has been mastered, they have decided to play the game outside of the game. You see, Left 4 Dead the video game doesn't matter anymore. What the players concern themselves with is their own constructed hierarchy. This hierarchy is constantly changing and evolving, putting new players on top every day.

Players can achieve the top level of the community by saying punchlines such as "you mad bro?" "you mad?" "mad?" "rage" "pz" "madcuzbad" "fail" or "lolumadpzragebromadyoufailmad?". Having consulted multiple language professionals regarding these terms, they have concluded it strongly resembles mating calls of wild animals: although they can not speak English, they use their knowledge and vocal chords to construct repetitive pitches in hopes of finding a mate. Their secret language consists of only a small handful of words, but BEWARE! The community is not unlike a pack of piranhas. Only other Left 4 Dead players know what's being communicated, and if you slip up you could find yourself hoarded by tens of half-constructed sentences. A great, in-field example of this can be found here: http://www.l4dnao.com/index.php?site=forum_topic&topic=1724 Nobody outside of the Left 4 Dead world can understand what exactly is going on in that thread, but we can be sure it's some kind of battle for the top of the food chain.

Most commonly, the players at the "top" in the community garner the attention of one, two, or all three of the females that play the video game: Rosy, Klaudia, and Jessica. Note: There have been other females to pass through the community, but these three have stayed throughout the entirety of the community's run. Those at the top of the food chain "date" these females at irregular intervals for irregular reasons. Their dates are often held in private Ventrilo (a voice chat program) channels, or via webcam. After carefully observing these females, I have learned they love to be "trophy girls", often not having much of an opinion on anything, but are always willing to be told a joke or two to laugh at.



In conclusion, Left 4 Dead players seem to stick to the game they know how to perform (or press the right mouse button in) on. Rarely do they submit themselves to games that require more than two buttons to achieve victory. This is their strongest facet, as it solidifies their fragile integrity in the easiest way they know how. Sure, the game only takes a small handful of hours to accel at, but when you pour in thousands of hours of dedication and lear- DEAR GOD I'VE FIGURED IT OUT! LEFT 4 DEAD PLAYERS CAN'T CONSTRUCT FULL THOUGHTS BECAUSE THEY SPEND SO MUCH TIME PLAYING LEFT 4 DEAD!

-Andy

BRILLIANT...plain brilliant 10/10

cute